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Name: Jess
Gender: Female
Interests: My name is Jess. I live to dance and dance to live. I'm 17 and have been in this hell of anorexia for far too many of those years.
Expertise: five foot one. eighty five pounds.
Message: message me
AIM:  JessXXZ
Member Since:
1/28/2006
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| good morning everyone. well i'm feeling ok today. I still feel just anxious over this whole summer thing though. Summer is definitely overrated. It just makes me so nervous not having something planned to do every second of every day. I really do not like not having dance everyday. It's making me go crazy. I signed up for gymnastics yesterday though. I figured i'd try to learn some basics over the summer. I also talked to my one dance friend yesterday and we're going to go to nyc for a day or two and take some classes so that should be fun. I guess the other thing really eating at me is that i've been talking about going somewhere to recover for years now but have always had some excuse. Usually it was dance that I couldnt miss. I dont have that right now. I really couldnt have imagined a better time to go. I dont know. I'm too fat to go. I have to go start making picture collages with my mom for my graduation party now though. Take care and hoping you all are well. | | |
| Well it's been 5 months now since i"ve written in this. I got a new laptop today from my grandparents for graduation though. I'm not really sure why i stopped writing. At first it was because my computer wasnt working and i didnt feel comfortable going on this site from the family computer but then things in life just became almost too complicated to write down. I didnt realize how much i missed it though until i started typing. I forgot what it's like to be able to say exactly what i"m thinking. I had my dance recital last night and it was amazing. I had a great time but it was so hard to have it sink in that it was all over. I'm not in a good state of mind right now and it just put me over the edge. I took a lot of pills last night. I'm still not sure what my intentions were. I dont believe they were to kill myself. I just wanted to stop feeling the pain. It certainly worked for awhile. I did awaken today though to find the pain only worsened and extremely ill from the pills. I'm really scared. I dont know what to do anymore. I wish I had someone in my real life to talk to. I wish people understood. But dont we all? I like writing my thoughts down. I'm too tired to write anymore tonight but I think i'll wrtie a little everyday and maybe what i"ve eaten for the day because i"ve been keeping track of that in a little notebook but carrying it around when anyone could pick it up and read it makes me nervous. ~cofee. ~1 danish(purged) ~coffee. ~more coffee. | | |
| hey guys. i hope everyone has been well. i fell like i only come on here to complain but this is really the only place where i can take the painted smile off and share how i actually feel. its odd really how i only feel comfortable opening up to strangers..and as awful as it is that you all are suffering this too, its nice not to have to suffer alone. i come on here and read entries and relate so much to everyone. i dont find that in everyday life. wellll i have work in 45 minutes. i'm throwing up into a bottle currently. my stomach is bloated. wonderful. i had my first audition for college last weekend and...not how i would have wanted it to go. i didnt tell this to my friends or family but i got really weak and shaky at the audition and i think they noticed. they might not let me in because of it. looking back on it, it was obvious that i was not feeling well. i was so mad at myself and i still am but i get so nervous about looking fat in a leotard and tights at something important that i just cant make myself eat for days and days before it. i was so dehydrated and heres where it gets even worse. i drank the night before. i know could i possibly be any more stupid? doubt it. i was nervous though and it was offered and i accepted. the calories didnt bother me enough not to do it because i always throw alcohol right back up but it made me even more dehydrated. i was a mess. i swear to myself i will not do this again. next audition- i am going to try my hardest to keep little bits down the week beforehand when i normally would fast. ughhh i'm a mess. how did i let my life come to this? how do things actually get this bad? i'm not sure. i have to go to work though. take care everyone. | | |
| i don't feel like updating this, but i'm having a really bad day and i need to vent. the last couple of months were hard. i had a fight with my best friend and we stopped talking for a while and it really affected me. she has been one of the only people i could always count on in my life and it was difficult to not have her. a couple weeks ago though we started talking more and more and i really thought we were ok. i was looking at something she wanted me to see on her myspace last night though and i saw she had been forwarding messages i sent her and talking about me and i'm not able to just let that go and i got upset and binged and purged pretty much all night. i'm not feeling any better today and my throat kills and my stomach is disgusting. besides fighting with my best friend, my eating has been bad too. i'm not eating anything without throwing up. i decided i wouldnt weigh myself at all over christmas break so i cant give you an exact weight but a week and a half ago i was 84. i believe i am up a couple of pounds as always when i'm not at school and dance everyday which is why i'm not weighing myself until next week when i'm sure i'm not heavier than 84. i dont think i'm going to eat anything until next week. i'm just too sick of throwing up. i'm weak though..we had our christmas show at dance and i had two solos in it. i was really excited, but when i watched the video of it i just look so exhausted. it was painfully obvious i was struggling through them. i dont know...i have auditions in two weeks and i'm really scared. i hope i have the strength to do them. 
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| i should be studying but instead i need to write in this. so as i said in my last entry, i've had a pretty bad last couple weeks. i miss my friend like crazy and i'm so worried about her and i'm coping through starving. at dance tonight, my teacher pulled me out of class and was saying how she cant take my moods anymore and how i treat her and the attitude i have and i broke down there. she knows i have an eating disorder and i felt she deserved an explaination from me. i told her a lot of deatails. now shes really concerned though and i feel so guilty for making her worry when she has so much of her own stuff to think about. it pretty much came down to, either i come in not looking about to collapse, or i cant come in at all. i understand completely. i'm so confused though. i want this more than anything. i want to be a dancer. i want to major in it in college. i have auditions in a month! i cant do it like this though. i'm dying. i cant even take water in. i throw everything up. i'm too scared to get help though. too scared to tell my mom, scared to miss all my crazy hard classes at school. i have to take the sat again, i have to finish applying to schools. i have auditions to go to. i dont want to gain weight. i dont want to die though. i'm so scared. i dont know what to do anymore. i wish i had someone to talk all this through with. my friends are great but they're not so great at this stuff. i feel so alone and as if i have no where to turn. i wish i had the courage to go right into my moms room now and just tell her to please help me. i dont though. i'm at a loss... | | |
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